Technology, Can't Live With it and Can't Turn it Off!

Technology - Issue I

I have been working hard to get use to the touch screen on my android phone. I find the typing particularly challenging. Just when I think I have it right and hit the send button, I get a reply with question marks and most recently an embarrassing faux pas.

My sister and I were throwing a wedding shower for my niece. We didn't specify any particular theme for the shower, so when the question came in asking what type of shower we were having I was quick to reply to my guest... too quick:

Guest's Message received:

My Mom asked if this is a personal shower or a kitchen shower or whatever and I don't have a clue where the invitation is and can't recall if it is indicated on there. I also have no idea where she or they are registered. Think you can help out here? Your loving ex-neighbor and current friend.

Immediate reply from android phone:

Hi neighbor, this is a genetal shower.so anything goes. I thonk she is registered at macys looking forward to seei.g you!

Urgent reply from x neighbor:

A genital shower! Oh, my!

Ooopppss..... I meant general

Technology - Issue II

Why do companies have realistic sounding answering machines? I needed to get to human being and the autolady is asking me all these questions: account number, birth date, zip code and she kindly gives me my account information. THANK YOU!!! I have the statement in my hand! Sometimes you just have to say "REPERESNTATIVE" or "AGENT" to get to a mammal. But autolady just kept saying, "I am sorry, I don't understand."

I lose myself and find I am screaming at autolady and she begins to sound angry. I am waiting for her to say... "Hal, we know where you live, we are sending an army of autobit***s to take your children."

It occurs to me at that instant that this would be a hilarious clip and I imagine there are hundreds, no thousands of people just like me swearing at autoladies all over the world. Brilliant! Now I just need to find out how to get my hands on the clips so I can start a website that could put an end to the automadness. If anyone has any ideas, you're in, we will make a fortune.

So, is it age that is my barrier to these technologies, or it is just being human.. and spending too much time alone?

Getting Back to Business

One hundred days have passed since my "conceptual" 50th birthday and it is time to stop and take stock of the progress I have made during my journey. In the first 100 days I have learned:

• Even if you move your guitar within reach you won't necessarily play it


• Remembering to say no to things you shouldn't do, not the things you should


• Life is better when you focus on acceptance, except too much focus can cause you to gain 6 lbs.


• To slow down the passage of time you have to do new things, not just think of new things


• Fuzzy, bobble-head eaglets turn into gawky, weird looking, birds amazingly fast

That's all I got so far and I am not even sure my lessons are useful. Therefore I am back to practicing healthier lifestyle habits and have been doing so since 6:30 this morning. This time my daughter is joining me and we all know it is easier to make changes with someone than to do it alone.

Our plan is to shed some weight and then do our own version of "What Not to Wear". We are still looking for someone to take us shopping and teach us important lessons about wardrobe, hair and makeup. If you are not busy in June, let me know, we should be ready by then.

As I worked (walked) with the trainer today I noticed that the pale green leaves of the weeping willows were starting to unfurl. If you are not from Minnesota you wouldn't know how terribly ugly March and most of April are. Snow mold keeps the grass matted down, garbage from the long winter is revealed with the melted snow and everything looks brown and dirty. But, the glimpse of that first pale yellow green willow leaf is like the beginning of the very best party.

To celebrate I bought a flat of overpriced pansies yesterday and put them in the front yard. I do this as a challenge to mother nature who apparently will be showing up on Wednesday with some snow and ice. In the immortal words of Charlie Sheen... "Bring it!"

The Eaglets Have Landed

All bets are off on the new lifestyle and I can't decide if I am ashamed or thrilled. Being raised Catholic my inclination is to be ashamed, but today I am going for thrilled. As time goes on the shame will come on its own, no need to rush things! I have a new obsession, which has kept me from posting before now. Actually, it has kept me from a lot of things and I am feeling cautious about saying what it is as I don't want to be responsible for anyone losing their job or giving up their healthy lifestyle.

This new fascination dovetails nicely with my last post because it is about eagles. I was watching the news and they were talking about an eagles nest that has 24X7 live streaming. With my new found affinity for birding I thought this was brilliant! I don't have to walk around, carry binoculars or hang with other birders. I can just sit at my desk and watch this amazing eagle family.

She starts her day as any other mother would, gets off the nest and counts the kids to make sure they are all still there. You can almost see a trace of a smile in her eyes as nudges them around with her beak and gets them ready for breakfast. Her nest is very handy, she has a several fish sitting at the edge of her 6' domain, 80' up in the air. The most amazing piece is that she never leaves, as the days go by you can see her start to get a bit crabby, just sitting all day long. Sometime she tidies up the place by rearranging the grass and sticks. I haven't seen this yet, but she must dump the garbage at some point.

My favorite part is when the father arrives. He always has a fish in his talons and you can almost read her mind as he lands on the nest and she squawks "Where the hell have you been?" He says, " Sorry dear, had a hard time catching this fish, but I got him!" He is so hoping to please her.

Her response? "Fish again?? You know I need some red meat if I am going to keep the kids warm, can't you find a squirrel?" Dad's eyes flash and he responds, "Nice... I bust my beak trying to bring you some fresh, healthy food and this is what I get? You think these fish just jump into my talons???" She realizes she has gone too far and in an effort to change the course of the conversation she gets up and shows him the kids. "They are doing very well don't you think" (i.e. aren't I an amazing mother?). Dad cocks his head to the side and give them a close inspection, finally he asks, "when are they going to get some feathers?"

This goes on all day, they actually do appear to have conversations and now that the babies are several days old they are starting to squirm out from under her. Myself and over 100,000 people tune in daily to watch the drama unfold, it is a lovely way to pass a bit of time as I wait for spring to arrive. Check the site at your own risk: http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles

Spring is in the air!

When Jack and I went on our daily walk I saw several Canadian geese sitting on the ice in pairs and as I walked by I heard the distinct sound of a cardinal. Sure enough I looked up and there was a bright red bird. Suddenly another song, I don't know how or why I knew, but without a doubt it was a robin. I was so pleased to be enjoying this almost spring day, with all the birds that I nearly missed the sign. Deep down, in my very soul, there seems to be a birder emerging.

I was not prepared for the images this conjured up as I realized this could actually be happening to me. When I got home I looked in my back yard and sure enough there were 4 bird feeders, 3 bird houses and a bird bath. I wish I could say this is all, but lately, when we take our weekend stroll along the Minnesota River I bring... binoculars. The ONLY reason is because there is a pair of eagles nesting in the area. We have named them George and Martha, they have two youngsters that are about ready to leave the nest... Just like us. (Shhheeessshh!)

I believe this is another geriatric indicator of a maturing person, similar to diminished eyesight and the need to go to bed before 10PM. I have checked with Google and found a study by Linda T. Caissie, University of Waterloo (naturally it would be a Canadian). Here is what I have learned and can now share with you, it is all about group solidarity, highlights below:

As the older birders described their participation in nature clubs, it was evident a sense of solidarity had developed among them. When asked why they participated in nature clubs, many of the birders stated: birds of a feather flock together. Another birder stated: they [the birders] are all a bunch of kindred spirits. Based on the findings, this community of birders provided the opportunity for the creation of social bonds.

I wanted to see what my new group might look like so I Googled images of birders. They are a crafty bunch, with very few pictures of their faces, just their backs or shots of them looking through their binoculars. Frankly, I am afraid if I joined their group I would scare them. So maybe I will take this new hobby, interest, awareness of birds for what it might be... Finally, some quite time to notice all the beauty of our world.

What's New?

The first NEW thing I tried after my latest discovery about the passage of time was to not write the blog last Monday night. This did NOT slow down the passage of time and of course I see my mistake. I didn't DO something new, I just didn't do something... This test failed, you really must do something totally new for this to work.

Earlier this week I did happen upon a completely new activity that I tried out on Friday evening. It was called Acupuncture Happy Hour and was hosted at a local yoga center. My sister and I arrived, filled out the appropriate paperwork and were led into a dimly lit room with mats, blankets and Zen-like music playing. I think this may have been a first for many in the room, but nobody said a word.. we all just stretched out on our mat like a group of sleepy kindergarteners and waited.

When everyone was settled the acupuncturist went from person to person applying needles to various parts of their head. I was the fourth mat down and kept trying to peek at what she was doing as she worked her way down the line. I have no idea why I didn't just sit up and watch, it must have been the peer pressure to stay quiet and get that peaceful/meditative look on my face.

When the person next to me was getting her needles applied I could feel the beginnings of a giggle build inside me. This is when my meditative mantra began.. "please God, don't let me laugh, please God, don't let me laugh". Before I knew it the first needle went into the top of my head and felt like a little pinch so I began to relax. The next needle was placed between my eyebrows and any urge to giggle was swept away by the desire to swear. This one hurt and I had one more to go! Last needle was placed below the lobe of my ear and wasn't too bad.

The results of THIS slowing down time test definitely passed. When you are doing something so very new, which includes needles being placed in your head and then instructed to relax for a period of time unquestionably turns the minutes to hours. As for the acupuncture? I do believe I will try this again because my energy level that evening was notably improved and that night I slept more soundly than I could remember. Was this a direct result of the acupuncture or was it because I was so relieved to have the needles out of my head?

The Second Half

I tried something new with my boarding pass last week, I sent it to my phone. This was not only green, but very savvy in my opinion. I could see the curious glances as I approached the security check point with just my identification and my phone. (I was lucky I spotted someone else do this earlier or I would have just handed my phone to the TSA agent) I held my phone over the scanner, went through security and proceeded to the gate. I wondered what would happen if my phone ran out of batteries before I cleared the gate agent, but my phone told me I had almost half of the charge left.

This is where myself and my phone had a misunderstanding... Wouldn't you think that if my phone had been on for 10 hours and the indicator showed me a picture of "almost" half full that would give me at least another 5 hours? This is not true! Apparently the second half of battery life follows a completely different formula, it changes into something I can only imagine is like dog years. Fifteen minutes before boarding I get the dreaded flashing battery. Fortunately I was able to get on the plane before it shut down, but it did get me thinking about the second half.

The second half of many things go so much faster than the first(this does not just apply to batteries). People I have met just a few years ago now claim to have known me for fifteen. My young teenage son is turning 20 on Friday and apparently I will be celebrating 27 years of marriage in May. I know it is cliché but where did the time go and why is it speeding up? I decided to check the oracle (Google) and here is what I learned:

Scientists have theories and one of them is that when you experience something for the very first time, more details, more information gets stored in your memory. That's because when it's the "first", there are so many things to remember. The list of encoded memories is so dense, reading them back gives you a feeling that they must have taken forever. But that's an illusion. "It's a construction of the brain," says Dr. Eagleman. "The more memory you have of something, you think, 'Wow, that really took a long time! So, first memories are dense. The routines of later life are sketchy. The past wasn't really slower than the present. It just feels that way.

Well, this is a very helpful discovery! I understand now that to slow down the passing of time I must begin to que up some new firsts. A "time stopper" list for the coming years... Let me know what you would put on your list.

This is going to be fun!

Where is everyone?

It has been a great week, life really is better when you focus on acceptance instead of change. This does not mean I am giving up the dreams of a guitar solo or completing the book I started years ago with a friend, but dreaming and changing are two completely different animals.

Dream even sounds better because everything is possible. Change, on the other hand, sounds harsh and demanding. You can't draw out the word change like you can the word dream. Example: Dreeeaaamm, or Dreamy, that is very nice. Now try change: Chaaannggee or changey, it simply does not work. So aging is not about creating a new self, it is accepting the self that has been in the game all along and enjoying both old and new adventures.

I have several ideas about adventures and one is and always has been listening to a great band and dancing. I was able to do that this weekend at an event called Oak on the Ice. The hours for the music were perfect - 7:30PM - 10PM. The venue was unusual because it really was on a frozen lake, but they had a tent and the floor was covered with straw so you didn't slip.... too much.

I know for myself that my appetite for late nights is failing as quickly as my ability to read printed pages, so whenever there is band that is starting before 8:30PM I am all in. I actually have been throwing around an idea of opening a club. The name of the club would be Mid-Life Crisis. There would be live music on the weekends and the band would start at 7PM and everyone would be home in bed by 11PM.

This seemed like a brilliant idea considering the demographics of our community, but after this weekend I am not so sure. My friend and I arrived early so we could get a seat for this big name band. You can see from the picture above that we were very effective. Even though the band stopped at 10PM sharp it didn't really fill up till almost 9PM. Maybe the idea of dancing before 9PM is just too radical or maybe nobody has "dreamed" it was possible to have a place to go that aligns with their maturing sleeping patterns. Patterns, I believe, that God has put in place to gently introduce us to the idea of not driving at night in another couple of decades.

I am heading to DC tomorrow to do a training on organizational change for the Office of Personnel Management. I wonder what they would do if I introduced the training as organizational dreaming?